What Doesn't Kill You
by MadameLupin
Summary: Phoebe introspects as she goes to the Book of Shadows in Charmagedden


_Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed or any associated trademarks._

I just happened to watch Charmagedden a couple nights ago and something struck me while I was viewing. Phoebe's vision of the losses was beautifully done and actually was one of the best done scenes I've seen from Charmed.  
I didn't do every person who was seen in her vision, just a few.

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_"__Remember the losses Phoebe.__"_

I remember the losses Leo; they have never left me in all my years.

I recall every tear that has been shed over a lost friend, lover or relative. All the aches and moments of profound loss are felt acutely.

How could I _not_ remember?

The pain and grief have became apart of me, twined to the cracks in my soul. Sometimes I imagine that those tender threads are what bind my heart together, each fine strand imprinted with the name of a loved one.The thickest and deepest is etched with my mother's name, Patty Halliwell. I remember the day she died but it was all very nebulous to me at that age. Grams once told me years later that on that night I sobbed my little heart out calling for mom and no matter what she did I was inconsolable.

_A child cries in pain looking for comfort_

Wyatt and Chris' cries carry to my ears and I imagine that is what I sounded like so many years ago voicing in the only way I could at the loss of a parent.

I had idolized mom in my youth making her a saint than an actual person. I never considered her flaws, weaknesses or bad habits those had shoved my mother off her pedestal forcing my realization that she was in fact at one time just human.

_Human_

The Avatars don't have the first clue as to what it means to be human. Their idea involves eradicating conflict to protect their utopian ideals even if it means killing. Utopia can never exist where there are humans, our nature is to bring conflict.

Humanity cannot be defined and it cannot be controlled, it always will find a way to overcome.

I climb the stairs to the attic, I have walked this path so many times I could do it blindfolded. As I take the final turn I remember that eerie night when Grams' passed.It was on this very landing, Piper had yelled frantically for someone to help. I had no idea that my seeming invincible grandmother was going to the next world.

_A better place_

Her loss was painful for she had raised me, given me my life lessons and shielded me from the cruel world. But it gave me the opportunity I had been seeking, to leave. As much as I loved my family they seemed to repress me at that age. I was foolish I know, but I found myself in those dark moments of loss. Saw life with renewed eyes.

_I found myself in those__ dark__ moments_

A mere year later I was a witch with fantastical powers and a strengthened bond with my sisters, which protected the world. That year was the most stressful and exciting in my life up to that point, New York paled in comparison. However, it wasn't without its share of heart ache.

We lost a childhood friend that year. The little boy who taught me how to play cops and robbers was the man who risked everything to protect us. It was our first taste of the sacrifice that comes with being a Charmed One.

_Andy__ I won't forget you_

That day the light that had once danced in my eldest sister's eyes disappeared, his loss had finally made the strong Prue Halliwell fall to her knees. I don't think she ever truly recovered from his death, but as she moved on she became stronger.

_What doesn't kill you makes you stronger_

I shake my head to clear my mind, the house has become silent, but the names of the departed whisper in my mind. They whisper to me begging me to remember, to embrace them.

_Prue_

The ultimate loss, my sister. Her name still has the ability to make me cry over her bitter end. The only comfort I have in her loss is the fact we found Paige at the end of it all. My sister's death is still a raw wound in my heart. I don't believe we ever will recover from such a devastating loss, but we can move on and honor her memory.

_You're supposed to honor your dead_

The attic door opens easily and the Book of Shadows sits in it's time honored place. I hesitate unsure of myself for a moment.Should I really try and change what has happened? Undo this utopia. It has brought us peace, no demons to fight we can live normally.

_There is nothing normal about this_

I steel myself and continue my walk. It's so familiar to me. I discovered the book all those years ago on a stormy night.

_H_ere _now the words of the witches_

I am determined to undo the damage we have wrought. This is all wrong. There needs to be grief and pain in the world. It's the only way we grow as a person to accept and embrace death and change. As I reach the worn leather I know what I am about to see.

_My losses._


End file.
